


My name is Bucky

by theArcane



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Boys In Love, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Electrocution, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Hydra (Marvel), Implied/Referenced Torture, Loss of Identity, Loss of Virginity, Love, M/M, Marvel Universe, Memories, Memory Loss, Mutual Pining, POV Bucky Barnes, Pain, Past Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Pining, Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Steve Rogers, Romance, Sad Ending, Top Steve Rogers, Torture, Tragic Romance, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23669257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theArcane/pseuds/theArcane
Summary: When Bucky is captured by Hydra, the only thing he has to hold onto is a name.. Steve Rogers.Through all the torture and pain, Steve's memories are his only salvation.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 4
Kudos: 43





	My name is Bucky

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing a fanfic, so please leave your honest review!

"My name is Bucky." Bucky tells them every time they call him "Barnes" or "Agent" or " _Soldat_ ". He's not any of those things. No, he's Bucky. And he need to remember this, his name, to make sure they don't get to him. No matter how many times they hit him, or put his head in cold water or electrocute him, he'll not let them change who he is. He was Bucky, his Bucky. He thinks as he's lying alone in a cold, dark cell.  
There's another name that he remembers. A name that shoots at his heart and rips him into pieces. A name that he dreams about at night, and thinks about all day. A name that keeps him sane. That helps him bear all the pain they inflict on him.

  
_Steve..Steve..Steve..._ He keeps repeating it like a mantra in his head. His memories are the only thing that keeps him sane.

  
He remembers how they secretly used to hold hands when they were kids cause they knew that if anyone saw them, they'll get a scolding. Then, Bucky couldn't understand why was it so wrong for him to hold his hand. When they grew up, they started realizing that their love was wrong. That two male best friends cannot hold hands or kiss or sleep together. So Bucky started dating more and more women, but none of them ever managed to satisfy him.

  
When Bucky and his troops were captured by the German soldiers and they kept experimenting on him, he knew that he wanted nothing more than Steve. He made a promise to himself, he'll tell Steve how he feels about him. He didn't care how wrong his love was or that Steve would never return his love.

  
When Steve rescued him and they went back, Bucky saw how Steve was smitten over a woman. That broke his heart. One night, while they were on a mission, they were lying in a tent. Just him and Steve. Bucky found it difficult to breathe. He hadn't been alone with Steve since he was rescued. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep all night.

  
When Steve asked him why he wasn't sleeping, he had no answer. Then Steve did something which surprised Bucky. He came close and put an arm around his midriff. Bucky knew he couldn't control him anymore. He kissed Steve full on the lips. Instead of recoiling,Steve kissed him back. They laid awake all night, touching and kissing each other everywhere, bringing out years of repressed feelings.

  
From that night, they always found a way to lay with each other. They tried to be as discreet as possible, because they knew their love could cost them everything. But they could never stop themselves.

  
Bucky remembers the way Steve used to pin him under his arms and slide inside him. That was the kind of pain Bucky could re live a thousand times over, as long as Steve was the one giving it to him. The way Steve would just collapse on top of him after they were done and they used to lie like that for hours.

  
Once Bucky asked him, "What will happen to us, pal? Y'know they'll never accept us. We'll have to marry some las. I don't wanna spend my whole life loving someone else." Steve gently ran his fingers through Bucky's hair. "Then pray that we never get to live without each other. I'd rather die in a battlefield with you than grow old without you."

  
Bucky wonders what is Steve thinking now. Does he think Bucky's dead? Isn't that the reason why he isn't here ot rescue him yet? Because there's no way Steve would let this happen to Bucky. Or did Steve even survive?

  
This was the first time this thought has occurred to Bucky. Ever since the serum, Steve has always seemed too powerful, too invincible. It was impossible for Bucky to believe that he was dead. But why else wouldn't he try to find out what happened to Bucky? He would've at least looked for a body.

  
_No.. no.. no.._ This can't happen. Not to his Steve. But deep down Bucky knew this was the only explanation that made sense. That this was the only reason Steve isn't barging through that door right now instead of them.

  
They have come again. Dragging him out of his cell, they've taken him into a room. Bucky is trying to resist them. He's screaming Steve's name, begging him to rescue him. He feels slaps on his cheeks and electric shocks through his body. They find it difficult to control him even though he's chained up. He keeps shouting that name. Even though it's futile now. They've strapped him into a chair and attached a machine to his head. His screams have turned into a murmur. He closes his eyes and he pretends that he's again a 16-year old kid in Brooklyn. He doesn't know if he'll ever open his eyes again. He knows for sure that he'll never see Steve again. That Steve will never pronounce his name on his lips again. So he tries to picture Steve smiling down at him with his warm blue eyes. Steve his saying his name now.. Bucky..Bucky..Bucky. The machine has started now. Bucky screams and screams but no one pities him. All his memories are flashing in front of him. Like water, he tries to hold onto them, but they keep slipping away. He doesn't know what is happening.

When he finally opens his eyes, he longer remembers the name. And when they call him _soldat_ , instead of correcting them, he replies "Yes sir."


End file.
